And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Farmville is her only friend.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
