I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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