I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
