this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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