I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
