I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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