god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Text me some of your sweat
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
