I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
