Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
