I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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