I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
