She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
