the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
