Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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