You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
