got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my poor anus
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
