I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
my poor anus
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
