so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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