I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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