Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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