dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
