he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
