There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
