Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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