Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
