Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
