Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
