I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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