The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Terrible idea I love it
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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