Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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