I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I need moral support for this bender
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
