as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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