Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
