just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
