My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He did a backflip because drugs
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
