My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
