Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it glows. i had to have it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
