Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
