did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
