I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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