I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
