My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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