I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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