saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
