she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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