Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We're too hungover to prance.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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