I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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