At least make sure they are 18
Why
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
