so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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