I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
