I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
