dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
